So two nights ago I got drunk and fell in a hole while walking to a Wigwam. Apparently, doing that is not good for your feet because I broke one of them. Yep, I broke my fucking foot…AND just in case that wasn’t fun enough, there’s also a fracture in there somewhere. So, Hobblee McHobbling Gimp Foot is now coasting across campus in crutches and a very attractive Boot which will go by the name: Boot.
Like Laura Krouse’s class, during which I went through a shit ton of garbage on my hands and knees, this has been a learning experience. The following is what I have added to my wealth of knowledge:
Cornell Is NOT Handicapped Accessible: This actually isn’t a new thing. I, too, have seen those poor assholes hobbling on the Ped Mall attached to casts and the like, but I just laughed and skipped on my merry, two-legged way. I figured after they passed out of my line of sight, they ceased to exist and I didn’t have to worry anymore…until I became one of them. This is what I, unlike my intelligent, non-drunk asshole friends, have to worry about:
Bathroom and showering: What was once a forty-five minute experience has tripled. I now do this: 1) pry self off bed. 2) scrabble around for crutches. 3) cry and make little whimpering sounds as my underused muscles react angrily to being forced into action (seriously, i better have rippling thighs, abs, and biceps after this stupid thing is over). 4) hobble the ten feet to where a giant heavy door sits, blocking my screaming bladder and unwashed body. 5) struggle to open the door…get tired..lean on good foot, which gets immediately angry that all my weight is balanced on it. 6) wait vainly for friend to open door. 7) grow impatient. manage to open heavy door myself, and get stuck between the door and the wall.
(see how tedious this is? i’ll skip the part where my crutches slip on the tile and go straight to the restroom)
struggle to get inside bathroom stall. by this time, i have pretty much peed myself, so i try and take my clothes off as quickly as possible, all the while glaring at my awkwardly-sticking out Boot. 9) For some idiotic reason, the prison architect of Projects-Rorem installed a “curb” between the changing area and the actual showers. this is SO FUCKING DIFFICULT!!! SERIOUSLY!! WHAT A PAIN IN MY ASS!!!!! This curb has FLOORED me…hahaha. BUT STILL! WHAT THE FUCK, PROJECTS???!!! 10) naked, angry, and in pain, i flop my naked ass into a spindly blue chair that has been brought up from the RA box just for my showering pleasure. since i don’t have the same weight as a toddler, the chair threatens to explode under my 19 year old poundage. So, wait for a future blog entry, in which my chair collapses and naked, angry Ariel has to be air lifted from the bathroom by helicopter.
…eventually i get dressed and my hair combed, but by then it’s nighttime and totally not worth it. I am suing Cornell. Together, my fellow gimps and I will file a class-action suit and get probably thousands of dollars when we win. Of course, after that our tuition will rise about ten fold but it’d be worth it.
AT LEAST FILL IN THE FUCKING HOLES, CORNELL!!!!
1 Comment
May 18, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Where the hell did that sunglass wearing yellow man come from?!