Quotes

The following is a database of quotes we the authors heard/said during our experiences at Cornell, and found hilarious enough to share with the general population. Feel free to enjoy.

Jordin: I knew a girl whose name was Double Stuffed.
Rebecca: Was she chubby or something?
Jordin: No she just liked being double stuffed.

Jordin: I wanna see more naked fairies.
Ariel: Take off your shirt and we’ll see one.

Me: I vote not being in the bestiality movie you’re making.
Jordin: Too bad you’ve already been typecast.
Me: As what?
Jordin: The bottom.
Ariel: no, the dolphin.

(On a particularly disturbing book Sarah was required to read for Sci-Fi)
Jordin: She’s at the incest part.
Brigid: which one?

Sarah: They have to have sex with whoever this guy tells them to. So they’re having sex with their family.
Ariel: So it’s a book about Arkansas?

Jordin: What rituals are that?

Meredith: Scribe? I thought that was like a vagina.
Sarah: Alright Ariel… I leave you as the scribe. I now pass off the Holy Clitoris.

(When discussing Harry Potter and Wingardium Leviosa)
Sarah: “It’s all in the wrist; you’re not doing it right.”
Melissa: “That’s what SHE said.”

Talon: That’s the longest I’ve ever lasted…and it was like five seconds!

Melissa: Jordin, Talon’s rubbing off on you…….

And Now We Present To You:

THINGS SAID WHILE BINGE DRINKING

By Melissa J. Rohs

“We have beers… except for wine at church.”
“I am so glad I have pants on right now….”
“Guys!!! I FORGOT MY NAME!!!!”
“Ron has a mustache he keeps on his chin.”
“Did everyone get out alive, or did they kill them??”
“I went to kiss him…….but his beard smells.”
“Max!!!! Don’t ever drink. Or try to kiss Talon ‘cuz he gets mad.”
“I love all of you… but some of you more… because you’re better than other people.”
“I had to walk back with Rex!! AND REX IS ASIAN.”
“I’m shooshing! I’m shooshing harddd!”
“I thought I broke the room!!” (after accidentally turning off the lights)
“I can drink beer faster than water.”
“I thought I went to jail for a second….”
“I’m drunken before.”

Talon: “I walked out of the shower and here comes a drunk Melissa trying to kiss me.”

Sarah: “Do you see the quarter?”
Melissa: “YEAH! It’s way at the bottom!”
(There was no quarter. It was a clever ruse to try to get her to drink water.)

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming:

Melissa: “I boink the shit out of my hair a lot…….”

Talon: “Get out of my way and I’ll pull it out!!!”

Melissa: “Do starfish even have anything to molest??”

Melissa: If you relax your throat you can get anything down there.

Ariel: Jordin just splattered on my home keys!

Melissa: I can’t read lips. I’m not Helen Keller.
Sarah: Helen Keller was blind….and deaf.

Jordin: how did you get into choir again?
Ariel: (in a singsong voice) there were no tryouts

Melissa: (On not having sheets on her bed) I just gave up. It keeps slipping off. It’s like a fricking slip and slide. Just a regrettable experience for everyone.

Sarah: “Um how many priests do you know??”
Melissa: “Like 7 or 8… but only like 1 or 2 of them intimately…”
Jordin: “I thought she was talking about Santa Claus.”

Abbey: “What comes after Double Ds?”
Sarah: “Triple Ds… and then Ridiculousness.”
Abbey: “Then comes Yarmulkes!”
Melissa: “Um, don’t those go on your head?”

Sarah: “Did you just make me pregnant?”
Abbey: “With KNOWLEDGE!”

Melissa: “There were squirrels nesting in him.”
Abbey: “Yeah you just look and there are like squirrels coming out of his bum.”

Ariel: “He’s Sobriety the Squirrel!”

Melissa: “A squirrel is just a furry dragon.”

Amanda: “Alright… I’m pregnant”

Jordin:
Being assigned to investigate a government facility full of horny women would be amazing.

The Talon:
Wait there is a what full of horny women?

Talon: Blessed….God….Freakin.

….Fart! (or something)

Talon: I wouldn’t have come this way alyssa. I don’t know what you were thinking.

Alyssa: Now it will be harder cuz you’re big!

Alyssa: yeah that’s why you have to ride them!

Sarah: i’m gonna throw a teabag at you talon! and it wont be the fun kind!
Alyssa: I don’t even know what teabagging is….

on how to eat a SQUIRREL)
Jordin: Yeah, you eat its legs and the meat from the spine…

Brigid: “Wait, you mean like a lobster?

Sarah: “Why does the ice scraper say ’scraper’ on it??”
Talon: “Those are for the people who can’t read so they know what it is!”

Melissa: “I live in a land of clutter.”
Ariel: “That’s ridiculous and sad.”
Melissa: “Well, no, I like it like that. I feel comfortable in it but I can’t do anything.”
Ariel: “I’m putting that on Facebook.”
Melissa: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Talon: HAHAHAHAHA
Ariel: Okay, wait, what did we say? Oh, my god, we’re like fucking old people.

Melissa: “It’s not bad enough that you raped me and then stabbed me with a cocktail sword.”
Jordin: “When did I do that?!?!”
Melissa: “I don’t know… a couple nights ago!”
Jordin: “Well, yeah… when you were sleeping!

Jordin: “If I just got raped by a tree, I wouldn’t be wandering through a forest!”

Talon (right before he goes to shove Brigid’s face in the snow): Brigid, what’s white and cold?
Brigid: Uh…
Ariel: A polar bear!!
Brigid: No, polar bears are black.

Brigid: Polar bears are black!!! Well, just the ones in Canada.
Ariel: The great black polar bears of Ontario who eat LOBSTER SQUIRREL!!